Not that grad school is out of the question.

Ma'am May has asked me twice about my plans after graduation, the latest being in our walk back from Mang Inasal Katipunan to the lab. Sir Ganni, while knowing that I've decided not to take my MS this coming school year, has been wooing me lately with jokes that I should pursue grad school.

It's so comfortable to choose the grad school route because NIP is home, everything is familiar and I'm already part of the community. But I have to be more objective, so I decide not to go to grad school just yet. 

To start, I want to really want to go to grad school and realize what to take specifically. I don't want to proceed just because I don't have plans or because it's easier to choose to attend grad school. A change of environment should do me and my pocket good.

Secondly, my Tia is against the idea. Not that I don't have my own faculty of reasoning, but I value her opinion very much and I do live in her house. Besides, I hate making big decisions when someone's super nega about it. 

Lastly, I want to take a break in studying. I've been in school since I was three years old and I think I've earned at least a season's pass in studying. I'm not sure if this is the definition of burn out but I do feel tired. 

I find it hard to tell my superiors that I'm not staying. I don't have their audacity nor their drive to decide on a career in the academe just yet. On the up side, I feel happy that staff in the lab feel (I think) that I should stay. I'm not even sure if research is my thing, or if it could be someday so that's a pat on the back.

I'm not so down into psychology, it's a very subjective and qualitative field that I don't feel that much comfortable towards its findings. But of course, most of the time we don't like what we don't understand or what we're not familiar with. This is to say that I think Ma'am Chey (tama ba spelling?) made me rethink my notion of psychology. While it is still unquantifiable (at least from where I stand, physics) I find the fields and issues we had in class interesting as well as mind-blowing, in forms of ideas I've never even thought of before. Just last meeting while we were discussing about human nature a very staggering question was raised: if our consciousness and rationality were the basis for our being human, what about the mentally ill? Nawalan ako ng prinsipyong pinanghahawakan, so to speak.

Moments like that make me think how great a class I'm attending is. Then there's the big teacher factor and a good pinch of overall class atmosphere that makes you want to recommend the class to everyone you meet. I am so thankful for the RGEP right now, for giving me that chance to pick my GEs and enlist in classes like my Soc Sci 1 under Ms. Billedo.

Quite sadly, I also realized that I used to relish in physics this much when I'm introduced into new subjects. I must admit that I did enjoy solving 112 or 141 problems even, though I often had a hard time. Now, I don't know if because of senioritis or just plain lack of interest that I don't feel that way anymore. Of course, I still like discovering things in my research work but I don't really remember feeling that elated to learn how lasers work when I took a class about them last semester. 

This is why I need to get a job or whatever after graduation, I need a break from school and time to realize if I do want to come back for a higher degree. Yuh, that higher degree in physics. Or if not, find out what I want to study further.

Think and wonder, wonder and think.

I'm going nuts and kind of sleep deprived (though I did sleep around 5-6 hours before my bedtime) thinking about how my org is lately.

I'm pretty serious in presenting (as in with slides) some ideas, things, whatevers next GA. I'd like to thank Dr. Seuss and his precious insights, many of which I've included in my slides. 

Since I'll be talking to kids, maybe they'll understand me from that viewpoint. Haha. Burn.

Let me count the ways..

All I've been doing lately is finishing my manuscript, and I've been postponing some things I should also take care of or do. Actually, org things mostly. I am super AWOL. I have valid reasons, but somehow I feel guilty. I did take the responsibility. 

At the same time I want to do so many things. One thing I remembered I should be doing is catching up on my reading for the TBR Pile Challenge. I originally wanted to proceed with To Kill A Mockingbird but I think I'll read some of the more "pop" books first for lighter reading. I'm so eager to do so many things after submitting but I think it's just the stress talking. But really, I feel like I should really party hard or something after this feat. 

Come to think of it, this is technically a Valentine's Day post. So, let's end on a sort of related note. :p

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Comics strip from PhD Comics. 

Right on cue, as always.  ;)

Psuedo New Year's Resolution

I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions. It's kinda pointless, not to mention stupid, to wait for the start of the year to decide to do something for the better. Counterintuitive don't you think?

Anyway, that used up absences issue that I still haven't cleared yet has really highlighted for me the fact that ever since I learned to slack and come to class late I haven't made the effort to do anything about it. And so I will, to the best of my abilities, come to class on time, every time. It's a bit weird that I'm resolving this now that I'm about to graduate (naku dapat lang) but I need and must do it, for STS and for good measure. 

Sabi ko nga kay Ancis, freshie ako ulit sa STS. On time at takot umabsent. Hehehe

It's really hard not to care when you're in UP~ the university of honor and excellence where everyone is constantly vigilant and active in all issues of Philippine society, and where freedom is guarded at all times. 

This proposed budget cut is utterly unacceptable. Higher education is by no means a futile pursuit for the government; the youth must be nurtured and given ample opportunities because they are the future. In other words, in my opinion, the youth is the best investment and quality education is the best fertilizer.

Quality education for all.

Some links:

UPD's USC website

UP College of Science

For a first hand account of the rally, visit my friend Jane's blog.

I have the best grandparents in the world. I know, everyone would like to think so, but I really do mean it.

I love you Lola, Lolo, Mama and Papa (wherever you are)! Thank you for knowing exactly how I feel, preparing what I love to eat and being always right behind me. I know I'll fall short in making up to you, but I'll try. :)

Gift ideas

Christmas is roughly two months away; I don't plan gifts this early, but somehow I am so bored right now I want to plan my gifts already. A little hiccup is that I don't have much money this year, I've been spending on vacations and so my savings are pretty unreliable right now. So I will take the time I have to not just plan but be resourceful in what I can give.

What to put under the tree?

I know it's not really imperative to give gifts or give big and expensive gifts (not that I can at this point) but I do want to, even just little somethings. :)

Day one over, friendship over.

Until last Saturday I really thought SPP would start today, Tuesday, but it started yesterday. It was pretty uneventful, nothing really stood out for me. I presented my poster which got good reviews, I'd like to think. It's just that what I had printed was the version before the final one. Very deep regrets.

So there. But I got pretty emotional come dinner. HP and Epson were teasing me about Brother practically the whole day. I can take comments and slurs about it, but definitely not in a crowd. During dinner every chance they got, they turned on me. Brother's seniors were just on the other table. Good Lord. I ended up crying. And when I cry, I am bordering angry trust me.

This thing about Brother, almost everybody knows. But I only openly talk about it among select people, even rarer that I talk about anything about it at all. Just thinking about it ticks me off, and if you're familiar you know what I mean. In that sense, especially that I did tell HP and Epson about it myself, it's privileged information. I tend to keep things to myself and I really don't like other people poking around my business or other people dishing out my business.

I guess it is my problem that I take things too seriously. I do. I can't help it. Maybe that's why I'm relatively pikon. Other people, even friends, can't gauge of my personality that well; it's probably too much to ask for. Only a few really do, and after last night HP and Epson absolutely don't.

Everything deserves a WHY

I impulsively bought a Live Curious shirt at Regatta earlier. I don't regret it, I'm just amazed that I actually bought it because I'm saving up for my upcoming trips this sem break. In any case, I hope it brings me much needed luck in my exam later. 

In whatever discipline you're in, in whatever area you're enthusiastic about or in whatever field you aim to belong, I sincerely hope you don't succumb to boredom. Live curious. :)

Winnie Monsod's Last Semestral Lecture (10/05/2010)

I submitted several questions for PDI's First Edition last summer. I was hoping the one that got me my tickets is the one asking the candidates what they would do to stop the brain drain in our country. None of my questions were asked and this has nothing to do with Winnie Monsod's last lecture except to me, I know. But somehow after seeing this clip I remembered that incident and I felt good, knowing that somebody whom everybody listens to is like voicing what I have in my head. :p

The Pursuit of Happiness

I used to think that to be happy is the ultimate goal in life. Consequently, I thought hurt and sorrow were the evils we must avoid at all costs. It's a bit naive in my part, now that I think about it. Not that these perceptions are wrong, but just not as absolute as I thought they were.

Happiness would lose its meaning if we were constantly happy. There wouldn't be that glory and that want to be happy. At the same time, the feeling of pain would lose its meaning because these are two complimentary emotions that to lose the meaning of one would render the other meaningless as well. Everything would just be the same, if we were brought up to feeling only one side of the spectrum of human emotions because I don't  think we'd discern feelings if that were the case, because we wouldn't be able to identify which is which.

I've new found appreciation for the whole range of human emotions, be it in the good or bad side of the scale. Pleasant emotions make us feel better, make us feel more complete and I still think it's a good idea to strive to be happy. At the same time a lot of emotions are unpleasant and unwanted, but understanding that there's a rainbow because of the rain creates a whole new perspective; we should take in the good and the bad, because life would be more meaningful with both. 

Let's not be picky and take a cue from Forrest Gump, "Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." 

--

Image taken from here.

Crestfallen

I just don't understand why.

Image taken from here.

I am a semicolon.

I love my English 11 class. I may not be getting the highest grades, but I am learning so much. Ayos :)

Today we discussed several poems, including Jose Garcia Villa's concrete poems: The Bashful One and The Emperor's New Sonnet. I am totally clueless in poetry, as I have said before, and these two are among the poems in our reading list that I cannot grasp by myself. But today, I have found admiration for concrete poems especially The Bashful One.

Concrete poems are poems that rely on their aesthetic organization to extend their message. Or something like that. The Bashful One is basically a poem that includes a single punctuation mark, a comma is the widely received understanding of the said punctuation mark. (Hay poetry you are in so many levels subjective!) So what does a comma mean? Commas are used to pause, usually for emphasis or division in a sentence. It can mean hesitance, prudence, delay or whatever that may cause discontinuity. But right after the comma, there is always something that follows, a continuation. You can always depend on that.

The Bashful One with the space divided into quadrants.

Now the placement of the comma in the third quadrant, in terms of Cartesian space would render it in the space of negative x and negative y. Going down the literature route of this conjecture, it is in a position where the comma would seem unimportant since the most memorable parts of a piece are usually in the first and last portion or in the top left and bottom right of the space. We read left to right, from top to bottom and the comma is located where one would most likely to miss it. So why in the world would Jose Garcia Villa place the all indispensable comma in a quadrant of little importance? Wala lang.

The bashful one, the comma, is in literal terms the shy little punctuation mark. Let's dissect the title for some more insight. First is the definite article 'the', joined by the adjective 'bashful', and then the indefinite pronoun 'one'. It's almost oxymoronic that the definite article and the indefinite pronoun refer to the same object. The contrast is further enhanced when you take into account the term 'one', which is used here as an indefinite pronoun while it also means singular or unique. These choice of words make you think, what the shy one is shy about or why is it quiet in one corner. It's like the bashful one is really a modest and humble little comma, which is timid and simple yet full of substance because it always follows through. At this point, the bashful one is not just a comma anymore. A poem may refer to a chair, a punctuation mark or a blank space but in the end it's all about humanity, about human nature. Crazy and amazing at the same time.

Before discussion, we were asked if we were a punctuation mark which one would we be.  A majority said they were question marks and a handful declared they were exclamation points. I simply said I think I am a semicolon, because I pause, but then I continue. Oha. Spontaneous answers are the most honest answers, but even I was surprised how my answer came to be. Even more so when we were closing in on The Bashful One when I realized how similar how I felt as a punctuation mark and what that heck of a poem touches on.

--

On a side note, my ostentatious and very loud seat mate had a bit of a slap in the face when our teacher concluded that great (read: intelligent, skilled, etc) people are usually quiet and shy. Haha. In yo face!

I don't hate poetry.

But I also don't like it. Though somehow, I want to develop an appreciation of poems. So let's see how good my Eng 11 teacher is. Haha. 

When I think of poetry, of course Shakespeare comes to mind. But beyond that, I also remember the movie In Her Shoes. I like the two poems featured in that movie, they were pretty good on their own but it is outstanding how it was incorporated in the film. After some googling, I found both pieces. :)

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant 
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

i carry your heart with me by ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 

May Day Eve

I originally planned to post my reflection papers for English 11 here, but almost every piece ended up being crammed. I didn't want to post something I'm not really sure of, so I let go of the idea. As of this writing I'm kind of reviewing for our upcoming exam, regarding 13 short stories. Yep, that much. Ma'am Lalaine is actually a good teacher, quite on the heavy side of the acad load meter, but at this point I've realized that good teachers really compel you to do more.

As I was writing the elements of each narrative like a grade school student, I remembered that session when we were asked which of the four short stories about love we most liked as a class. My classmates shouted A Love Story in a snap, while I was dumbfounded and I failed to utter May Day Eve. Kaya dito nalang ako sa blog magrreason out.

Let me introduce you to the story first. May Day Eve was written by one of our National Artists for Literature, Nick Joaquin. It is set in the colonial era, and is as stated in the title, during a May day eve.  The story focuses on Badoy and Agueda, the two lovers whose fate was forever changed by a said May day eve.

It's hard to condense an already brief story, but here's a shot. Agueda was with her friends, and their yaya told them of a superstition that if you take a candle and go to a dark room with a mirror alone and chant: "Mirror, mirror, show to me him whose woman I will be " she'll see the man she will marry. But if things go wrong, one will see the devil. Consequently, she saw Badoy. He was coming from his pack wanting a place to lie on because he was feeling sick. They argued and felt conflicting emotions. Later it was implied that they got married. And during the course of the story, it is revealed that they really love each other whilst being nonchalant about it in front of each other. 

We read four short stories that revolved around love, the other three were A Story of Love by Ray Bradbury, How My Brother Leon Brought Home a Wife by Manuel Arguilla, Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez. I like May Day Eve most because it was the story that had more depth for me. The other stories, I understood almost right away while with this one I had doubts on my interpretation. This story bore so many realizations when we discussed it in class, the most prominent of those is that one should not be proud in love, or in any relationship for that matter. Pride hampers all good things. Pride creates a wall that makes it harder to communicate, harder to share, harder to work things out. Pride is the root of regret. Because of these things that were left unsaid or undone, regret will surely follow.

Mr. Joaquin has crafted a real classic with this story, and now I think I'm a step closer to understanding why he's one of our most celebrated writers apart from May Day Eve's super duper long opening sentence slash paragraph. Enveloped in the simple story is a theme that's actually a bit trivial once you think about it. It's certainly not easy to impart a clear message while just going around it, writers who can are truly gifted in my opinion. I haven't read any other work of his to speak of his style, but I'm now curious enough to make an effort to get a hold of a few more.

I am really enjoying my English 11 under Dr. Yanilla-Aquino. It's like 185 and 186, demanding as hell but really worth it at the end of the day. ;)

Now I Know

When we missed our flight in Singapore, we met Andrea. She missed hers too. The only difference was that, what we thought to be our flight schedule was completely different from what was really in the itinerary while she knew her schedule and she was trying to beat the time. As Bea and I were waiting for our flight, I asked aloud which of our situations were more unfortunate. There were several reasons why one case was worse than the other, so we just agreed that all of us were victims of the disease called stupidity.

It's not as easy as determining which feeling is better, getting an uno or getiing a tres. I'd say tres in a heartbeat, because if you're gunning for tres it means that you're hanging by a thread and you're in a very sticky spot and to get a tres would be like a divine miracle that will surely buoy your confidence. Not that I think getting an uno is not as happy, because it is. It's just that you already know you're getting a very good grade no matter what. I'm not really grade conscious so I think this, but hey my logic seems about right.

So here is how I determined which of the fates is worse, Andrea's or ours. And damn, the parallels I am realizing are so annoyingly true.

I spent most of the day in the lab. Having woken up late for our Optics seminar, I skipped it and went directly to IPL. I rearragned and realigned my set up almost the whole afternoon, I do hope it's correct this time. Then before we went home, Sison told us through GTalk that Ate Ianne was going to their house to cook and eat. And so we came. Yes, Mangs was also there. Hehehe! It was great, we made pasta, had pita, prosciutto, salami, cheese and a bit of wine. Italian dinner to the max. After cleaning up, we popped in Hot Tub Time Machine.

Earlier, I agreed to meet Tia at Jollibee Philcoa at 9:45pm, she was picking up Bea at Katipunan and it was a perfect opportunity to get a ride home. I was very conscious of the time, and I wanted to get going at 9:20 but the movie wasn't finished yet and there was reassurance that it's going to be done in time. But then again, Murphy's Law is stronger in cases when you most want to keep things in a certain way more than anything. It was quarter to ten when I checked my phone and I had several missed calls and a couple of texts already. I made haste, sent a wave of distress and killed the fun  we were having; I feel so bad we didn't even get to say thanks and all sorts of courtesy to Sison's parents. What made me even more guilty was the sarcasm in place of direct disapproval in my texts with Tia.  And when she mentioned that it was traffic in CP Garcia, there went a cue to go take a taxi. Needless to say, I went home on my own.

Punctuality is a trait I do not posses entirely, specifically in coming to class. But I do take pride that I try my best and almost always succeed in being on time for meetings, set dates, or just plain agreed upon schedules. Time indeed is precious, and I hate to waste anyone's time. At the same time, I abhor waiting so long for people who know when the set meeting time is, unless you're Rainier or you're Nins who I know will be at least 30 minutes late. That is in fact, why I do want to be on time, because I hate people who come late without warning.

 And so that was my day, quite productive, quite scrumptious, quite hilarious, and quite frustrating. At least I had one unanswered question resolved.

Bond

My Lolo and I bond over sports.

Andre Agassi 

I got into tennis (well, watching tennis) because of my Lolo. For all I can remember it's a news channel or a sports channel whenever he's in control of the remote, but I know he watches tennis most eagerly. Now, I'm like his RSS feed on what's on, when Federer's match is or who beat Kim Clijsters.

Since then, I was more inclined to watch sporting events. It's a very good exercise of patience, camaraderie and team work among players. I admire the magic it has over people, uniting citizens and how it promotes nationality among divided men. We don't have football culture here in the country but I think their football craze is the same hysteria we have when there's a Pacquiao match. 

Regardless if you're a sports fan or not, I think thanks are in order to the ingenious minds who came up with these events. It's capitalist, a bit bohemian, and all the while fun. Hehe

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Photo from Wiki Commons

Why yes, but why?

Optics was my first choice when I was still an applicant in IPL. It was a popular choice. I enjoyed our Optics under Sir Garry back in high school, it seemed cool and interesting plus I had no idea what Complex Systems were, and of course my close friends in IPL were under the Optics faction. I was completely shocked to find out that I was accepted to the Complex Systems group, but like everything else I got settled in and I realized the ubiquitous applications of this field. 

Frankly, I think I'm a bad research student. I feel like I don't perform very well, and that I can do so much more but I am at a loss why I am such. My adviser is patient and encouraging, that I feel guilty even more. Ha. What's more is that he invited me to the Saturday Optics group. Not that I have a choice, but really, seriously?

I've shied away from Optics after 165, and I didn't really pay attention much after that. I didn't think I'll be needing it, but now it seems that I do.

Point Taken

Ryan Bingham: You know why kids love athletes?
Bob: Because they screw lingerie models.
Ryan Bingham: No, that's why we love athletes. Kids love them because they follow their dreams. 





I was surprised at how much I loved Up In The Air. I got the copy from Tino a couple of months or so ago, and I saw it just now because I was running out of things to do or watch. I knew the director was that of Juno, so I expected something witty and perhaps charming. But I did not expect that it would be as sharp and as impelling as I found it to be.

The movie revolves around Ryan Bingham who works for a company that specializes in firing people out of their jobs. There were numerous themes the movie got to feature, I like most those imparted by parts where there were clips of people's reactions during and after the process of being laid off. In any economy, it is difficult to be jobless and it is hard to have nothing to support yourself and or your family. At the same time, it is as challenging to be the one to bring the bad news. Quite creatively, they used it in the film as a means to get across some very true and sometimes overlooked points. One of these is exemplified by the dialogue above.

Maybe it's because I'm to graduate at the end of this coming academic year and I have no concrete plans yet, that I am struck by this dialogue most. (Yes, there are a number of equally good exchanges in the film.) It had me thinking, what is my dream? By dream I mean, what I want to do most in the world. That's easy, I want to travel. Not far from that is what career I want to pursue, i.e. what happens to me after receiving my diploma. That's the tricky part, because I am still unresolved. Yes I still have a year, but I want to prepare well for the path I will walk into. Either I decide soon or I learn to loosen up and not plan too much. Pwede both?


I want a career that I will enjoy, and who doesn't want that? But I must be realistic, and this will not be easy especially for the undecided me. All I know is this, I want to see the world. History and culture have fascinated me since I was a young girl, and to tour the world would be to learn all this first hand. Somehow, I know, I'll find a way to the see the pyramids.